Monday, 22 October 2007

There has been a recent article in the Daily Mail about a Council that spent £5,000 on a loo that I didn't use during my 3 hour visit. Apparently my Royal Officials instructed the members of Council that their facilities would be inappropriate for ME and thus the unnecessary expense of replacing the loo.

I would like to say that although I have standards regarding what I will and will not do during a royal engagement (i.e. sign autographs, touch small children), I would have used that particular loo - knowing that the Council went to the trouble. But upon seeing the picture of the loo, I've decided that it was ultimately a wise decision not to use it - do they not clean it? I will also say that 3 hours is not a long time for ME to go without using the loo - true, that's probably too much information for you but I just thought I'd share. My grandmother, Queen Mary, taught ME to hold it in. Just like she taught me not to fidget by rewarding ME with biscuits. This advice has come in handy over the years.

However, I've taken a page from American celebrities and come up with a rider of instructions should it be required.

I have no problem with furniture, as long as it's not covered in plastic or from IKEA. I also don't like bean bag chairs or shag carpeting.

I'm a big advocate of feng shui, so make sure your couch and chairs do not have their back to the door or window, that your mirrors do not face chairs and that your windows face natural views. Also, blue walls tend to depress ME, so a cheery yellow is always appreciated.

I like bendy straws

Only use Royal Doulton Fine Bone China. Wedgewood is acceptable but only if its in the India pattern.

I only drink Malvern water, so have a case handy.

I only drink Twinnings tea

Make sure you only use products that have my royal warrant.

These are just a few examples, I could go on and on. If you'd like the entire list, please contact my office and Buckingham Palace.

© The Queen


Simply Marvelous said...

Your Royal Highness,

Yes, yellow is a lovely color.

And your Royal subjects could not survive the thought of your sitting in a bean bag, especially in your Royal attire.

We are all so grateful you did not use that horrible loo. However, you do look wonderful in the front page newspaper photo.

Now, Your Majesty, I have a dreadful confession to make.

While a student in England, I did use a loo.

There was some beige, waxy tissue paper supplied for your subject's convenience. Even though I very much disliked it, I kept one pristine piece as a souvenir.

I do know I should not have, because each section of paper was clearly marked with the words:
"Property of Her Majesty, The Queen".

Should I return it?

Signed with a curtsy,

Lilibet (AKA The Queen) said...

Thank you loyal subject! It's always nice when someone notices I've gone to the trouble of dressing up.

So THAT's where that toilet paper went! I sent my staff hither and yonder looking for it. Well, it's been a long time, so keep it with my compliments.

Theocritus said...

I think that you should know that Your Royal Highness cannot invite Luciano Pavarotti to Buckingham Palace. Not only will he not stop at your one glass of champagne, but he insists on his own toilet--and a big one to boot for his boot.

There's a lot of huffle and kerfuffle when Luciano comes in--all the plumbers wind up hoisting out the toilet in the biggest and most comfy loo, and there goes in Luciano's. And you'd better not serve him anything spicy if some of the bolts on the toilet are frozen and the toilet is hard to get up you might not like it. I know that the San Antonio opera didn't, not one bit. All that Mexican food with the peppers, you know. A river runs through it.

Just thought you should know.